Who Am I, Really? Are My Roles My Identity?

Dear Friends,

In America not a social occasion goes by without someone asking within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone “what do you do?” People ask each other about their roles making a living and producing value for society to help them define each other quickly and feel more at ease. The context of your major life roles gives them a way to figure out what relationship to have with you, and what value you have or could provide to them, and what they may need to do in exchange. It provides social rules and guidelines for behavior. I am primarily “John’s mom” to my son’s friends, I was “the social worker” to hospital staff, and a “student” in seminars I attended. This need for definition is both limiting and comforting.

I remember being surprised traveling in Europe years ago when the question of “what do you do?” didn’t come up in conversation for a long time. Instead, people wanted to know “who are you?” They were interested in what moved you and what you had passion for. They wanted to know what values you had and what essential components flavored ALL your roles. Their way of figuring you out was to look at what makes you tick.

We all have many roles in life that we play, and these roles we play or refuse to play take prominence on the different stages we act on. When we are with our families, we are focused on being (or rebelling against and not being) mothers, brothers, daughters. When we are providing something society requires in exchange for wages we are waiters, doctors, teachers, plumbers. When we are learning a skill, we are students. We are all of the roles we play, yet no one role completely defines us. And if one role does define us, the threatened or actual loss of that role is devastating to our sense of identity.

We see people become lost with a diminished sense of meaning and purpose when the role or context of a role that has become part of their identity is removed. This happens when we retire, children move out, we lose spouses, become chronically ill, or move away from a familiar environment.

However, some people feel restricted by their roles and seek out role changes to provide them with a renewed sense of freedom and ability to find and reconfigure their essence pieces into a new definition of self.

Here is an exercise to help you discover and cultivate the question “Who Am I, Really?”

This will help you learn to live more from a sense of identity that is integrated into yet transcends the roles you play. You can begin to develop this skill by asking and answering a few simple, yet profound questions.

FIRST - you want to ask and learn “what is my essence, what defines me?” This question alone will provide tremendous insight if you really answer it.

Caution - this question alone is not enough. You could think about it all day. Most of us do think about this while resenting or feeling stifled in our life roles. We then become more involved with worrying about how “this isn’t it” or “this isn’t me” than actually working with developing what IS.

SECOND, you want to ask - "what actions do I take to develop and demonstrate it in ALL my roles?"

There are some details you can explore that may help you in answering these questions:

1) Is there something I do everywhere, all the time? .

2) What about me flavors and spices every role I play, yet is also independent of all those roles?

HOW TO USE ROLE CONFUSION AND CONFLICT FOR PERSONAL GROWTH

Have you noticed how unsettled people become when your behavior doesn’t match their idea of how a role “should” be played, or when your idea of how to act in a role doesn’t match theirs? The simplest example is the discomfort people have with not being able to tell what someone’s gender or sexual orientation is.

Have you noticed how unsettled you become when the behaviors you feel are needed for your various roles clash, or the demands of your roles conflict with each other? The ultimate choices of behavior you make in these situations tell you a lot about your self-identity.

DON’T FORGET - we have all sorts of ideas of who we really are, but we also have to then take the actions to manifest them ,or they remain untapped potential. If your actions don’t show it, how is anyone else to really know it, or get to know the real you? Define yourself in your roles, don’t let your notions of a role define you. Our roles provide opportunities to express our essence, yet usually we use them to limit ourselves and others. How can you start right now to make every action, in every role, more authentic and real? Ideas, feelings, and core values are internal catalysts, motivators and fuel, but no matter what role we are in, our actions are what tell others who we really are.

Embrace yourself, be yourself. Let your words express your essence. Let your deeds match your words. There will always be opinions, there will always be judgments. Someone will always think and feel something about you. It might as well be about who you really are!

Cinda

MEETINGS AT WORK: ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS

Dear Friends,

Turn Meetings at work from Deadly Dull to Dynamically Directed with the use of these Simple Questions.

Here is a quick example of a practical way to immediately start using Internal Energy Plus™ principles at work. Meetings are a necessary part of most jobs, but we often dread them because the tone and atmosphere is either a confrontational “prove yourself” reporting, or a dull recitation of details that seem irrelevant or are just "going through the motions".

You can easily make meetings more dynamic by knowing the right questions to ask. Adding just a few key questions can keep your meeting on target, and more productive. If you are the manager or the one organizing the meeting, answer these questions of yourself before you prepare the agenda.

What is the purpose of the meeting? Why are we here?

What are the goals, objectives we are hoping to achieve?

For example, is the meeting’s purpose to work on a big picture, detail, or process focus? Is it supposed to:

• Give information/further understanding,


• Solicit feedback or ideas;


• Outline specific goals or productivity expectations;


• Gain commitment to goal/project;


• Report on progress/obstacles;


• Discuss and assign specific incremental tasks to reach end result desired;


• Discuss end results desired; or


• Build shared vision?

If you are the employee you can interject these questions when a topic is stuck (or being flipped back and forth to avoid any resolution) and not being addressed. For example, if a manager is reporting endlessly on an upcoming project which generates a lot of ideas but no action plan, you can ask about the results that are expected and the incremental tasks needed to achieve them. You can ask about the timeframes within which certain phases will be completed. You don’t have to know all the answers yourself, because the right questions will elicit the best responses.

An important strategy: To avoid scapegoats and shirkers you can ask “what are we going to do?” and "How can we equitably divide this responsibility?" Then, tasks can be assigned within the social contexts of fairness and sharing.

You will avoid taking on more than your share and not allow anyone to disown his or her share of the work. But be aware -- if you do not set an example and immediately accept a portion of the responsibility prior to asking this type of direct question or immediately after having asked it, you will not be effective...in fact, instead of being an inspiration for taking responsibility, you will look like a hypocrite. As a general rule, you must set an example by your actions to set the tone for your questions. This is true for both employers and employees...for both team leaders, and team members.

We all hope if we're patient, someone else will fix the problems we observe in life. We know deep inside that no changes happen just by waiting and wishing for someone to set us free, give us rights, notice our discomfort, or pay us the wages we deserve. We need to stop enduring and start curing the deadly meeting doldrums. Asking the right fundamental questions in a directed manner helps convert expended time into invested time. A meeting is only as good as the results that it produces.

Try this strategy and let me know how it works for you, either here (in the "Comments" Section below) or simply come join in our Yahoo! Discussion Group and Online Community at http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/INTERNAL_ENERGY_PLUS/ and share your opinion with a wonderful group of intelligent and interactive people. We grow by sharing ideas.


--Cinda

p.s. Have you noticed the IEP widget on the right-hand side of the page. You can put this widget on your blog, website or home page. Simply click on the little tab at the bottom of it, and it can be yours. It is an excellent source of content, looks good, and keeps you and your readers or visitors connected to IEP. Don't be afraid! Try it.

Postural Techniques for Clarity and Focus

Dear Readers:

Have you ever noticed that how you move, stand and sit influences how you feel and how well you think? When you are feeling fuzzy, tired, upset, or happy, take a moment to notice what your body is doing. Without changing anything, observe what your autopilot physical positions are when you are in these emotional/mental states. What do you automatically do physically to express or repress what is going on with your mind/emotions?

If you haven’t checked yourself in this way, you are missing out on an incredibly simple tool to shift or elevate mood and improve clarity of thought. Your body is constantly reflecting and communicating, to yourself and to others, what you are feeling and thinking. Just as your mind affects your body, your body affects your mind. They are an inseparable system. A shift in one area impacts the whole.

I still remember the first time I really noticed how I stood when I was bored or irritated, for example, when waiting in a long line at the check-out or in a traffic jam. I was unconsciously making myself feel worse by keeping my chin and gaze down, clenching my hands, and slumping/curving my shoulders inwards.

One day I purposefully set forth to change my posture... and yes, my mood changed as well. But what was more surprising to me was how differently I was treated by others when I shifted my posture. During one day of purposefully standing straighter, taller, and with more relaxation, I had three positive experiences with clerks who were harassed and stressed themselves. I am particularly sensitive to the moods of others, so what was most interesting is that their moods did not affect me nearly as strongly as usual when I maintained a straight, tall, and relaxed stance. My positive stance acted as a shield against their negativity! In fact, it may well have acted as a subtle, but positive influence upon them.

Because of the effectiveness of this simple concept, Internal Energy Plus™ training emphasizes tools and techniques to help you pay attention and bring awareness to your posture. A great benefit is that physical alignment and conscious relaxation helps prevent, minimize, and address many common health concerns caused by repetitive motions, slouching, and neck/shoulder tension.

Here is a sample exercise for improving posture:

Start to build your awareness and attention by doing a self-check at least once every hour throughout your day, and especially when you are doing things that are routine, boring, or irritating for you. When you check in, notice your current mood and thoughts, and then observe the following:

• How are you standing, moving or sitting?



• What is happening with your head position, your shoulders and your back?



• What is happening with your arms and legs?



• How does what you are feeling translate into your body position?

Once you have your baseline, make a change such as bringing your back to a straight position with shoulders back, adjusting your chin, bringing your eyes up, unclenching hands, uncrossing legs or arms, or relaxing your facial muscles.

Hold the change for at least three breaths. Notice how you feel. Remember, up to 90% of how people evaluate what is happening in face-to-face communication is based on body language. This means it is not what you say, but the way that you say it and not what you do, but the way that you do it that is most effective.

So friends, try this out and write to me and let me know what you noticed and how things changed for you. I am certain it will be quite an eye opener (especially during those deadly dull meetings)!

Warm Regards,

Cinda

How to Recover Your "Self" After Surviving Abuse

Dear Readers:

So, you have survived an abusive situation.

Whether the situation was of short or long duration, you are left with often a shaky sense of self and conflicting feelings. You have experienced some of the worst aspects of life and are now working to discover or rediscover the best aspects.

Remember: While you are going through this process, do not expect to stop being fearful, just expect to stop letting fear control you. Let your fear, along with your shame, doubt, and guilt teach you instead. They were all created from imprints and patterns of experiences that need to be re-examined and put through your own truth filter. These reactions were put in place to help you survive, cope, and manage overwhelmingly negative input. They are not "bad", they have a function.

They are just overdeveloped, overused, and no longer needed to be the leader of your mental/emotional gang. Let's get the emotional/mental leaders in place that help you and those around you to thrive, and give them the attention and intention that they need to support your goals and life purpose.

Negativity and violence are indeed a great problem in the world: Right now, awful things are happening. It is foolish to ignore them. However, it is equally foolish to indulge your unhappiness or fear about them. I don’t advocate naivete and assuming only good actions from others, because that mindset will not prepare you for the challenges you meet. It is useless to pretend everything is all okay, but it is very useful to realize there’s a lot that is going well, and that you can contribute to and help grow what is already good, and work to create something even better.

You can learn ways to discover and cultivate the seeds of positive growth within yourself and others. Because RIGHT NOW good things are also happening right beside the bad stuff. While suffering is rampant, love is too. Which energy do you want to feed? How will your suffering help anyone, including yourself, make a positive impact in the world?

As you begin to break away from the burden of the abusive experiences and find out what to let go of and what you have learned that can move you forward in your life, there are several questions that will help you get into the self-determination mindset. To do this exercise, you need to honestly look at your whole self without judgment of thoughts, feelings, actions, and appearance.

Get paper or start a document on the computer and write down your answers to the following questions – don’t edit yourself at first, just let it flow out because your first unedited responses are you automatic/unconsciously based ones. Later you can review, reflect and add, but at first just write whatever comes out:

*What did I believe or know to be true about myself before the abusive experience(s) ?

*Are all these things still true?

*What is still the same as it was before?

*What is different than it was?

*What is new?

*Does someone else's expressing conflict or anger trigger me more or less than it did before?

*Does someone else’s negativity get me down more or less than it did before?

*What triggers my anxiety or depression?

*What triggers my happiness or sense of fulfillment?

*What do I want to strengthen in myself?

*What do I want to release in myself?

*What is my first step toward healing?

You have an inner knowing that is often hidden by all the layers of patterns that have developed in defense and fear over the years. It may be deeply buried, but it is still a spark that can be kindled into a full-blown, life-affirming flame. You have the power to be yourself, fully and authentically blossoming and growing. Let no one, especially yourself, tell you otherwise.

When you are feeling discouraged, remember these quotes from amazing women who discovered their true selves and achieved their personal goals despite great obstacles:

Buddhist Nun Pema Chodron “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.”

Helen Keller “Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.”

Let your fear be part of the process.

As a reader of this blog, please note that the advice and information given by me as a lifestyle and wellness trainer does not treat mental disorders as defined by the American Psychiatric Association or medical disorders as defined by the American Medical Association. Life and wellness instruction and coaching are not a substitute for medical care, psychotherapy, mental health care, or substance abuse treatment. If you have ongoing medical and/or mental health issues, you should be in ongoing contact with medical and/or mental health professionals.

- Cinda

[Douglas Castle contributed to the editing of this article.]

Gain Victory Over Your Experience of Abuse

Dear Readers:

Do you have a history of abuse? There are ways to avoid the guilt and shame trap that is too often a result of such experiences.

The more you are able to release the shame and guilt which you have stored from the abuse you have experienced (any kind, any level), the more free you will be to discover your purpose and start living it!

It can be crippling to hold onto the shame from not having known how to stop abuse, not stopping it sooner/soon enough, or having participated in your abuse out of fear, financial insecurity, misplaced love or misplaced trust and loyalty.

We may have intense guilt if others were hurt along with us, if we feel we didn't protect who we wanted to, or if we closed our eyes, ears and hearts to what was happening.

Regret, pity, apathy, despair. None of these feelings or attitudes work toward solution or victory from your history. You are more than your past and you can use its lessons to shape your future, instead of destroying it.

One of the first INTERNAL ENERGY PLUS exercises you can use is to purposefully cultivate your awareness and assessment skills of the abusive tactics so you recognize them in action.

THE DYNAMICS OF ABUSE

What is Abuse?

Abuse is use of the tactics listed below to control you or to "keep you in line":

• Coercion, threats and intimidation
• Emotional manipulation - taking advantage of your lack of knowledge, love for them, shyness, etc to keep you dependent upon them.
• Social isolation – keeping you away from your support system.
• Economic abuse – taking advantage of financial dependence, lack of job training and skills, withholding money.
• Using male or cultural privilege to keep you in “your place.”
• Using children and fear of their wellbeing to keep you “in line.”
• Using force in sexual actions and sense of entitlement to your body.
• Using force in physical actions and sense of entitlement to your body.

Progression of Abuse

Abusers up the ante from psychological to physical abuse if you don't obey.  Sporadic and unpredictable use of the above tactics, especially the physical violence, is key to keeping you afraid to leave.LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

During The Relationship – these tactics are used to steadily erode confidence, body image, self esteem, support system, and eliminate alternatives to the relationship.

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL 

After Separation - the most dangerous (and potentially lethal) time period of all...the abuser is most likely to aggressively retaliate against you and all that you value in your life.

The reasons people stay with abusive partners are FEAR-BASED.LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

For Example:  

• Fear of losing support systems;
• Fear because of being isolated physically & emotionally;
• Fear you are wrong about abuser (he's just misunderstood, lonely) and hoping for change;
• Economic pressures - no money, housing, education, job
• Family pressure to stay, and being ostracized for
• leaving;
• Lack of information - don't know how to leave, or what help is available;
• Love of partner and hope- remembering how abuser used to be or seeing their potential to change;
• Feel you are not "good enough" if alone;
• Fear of retaliation;
• Threats to safety of self and others;
• Fear of losing children;
• Fear of no help from the criminal justice system;
• Fear no one will believe;
• Fear of being deported;
• Fear of being alone or single;
• Fear of not being desired by anyone else;
• Fear of losing "invested time".

To Avoid The Guilt and Shame of Abuse History, Remember:

ABUSIVE VIOLENCE IS A CHOICE 
A METHOD TO CONTROL YOU AND YOUR RESPONSE

Anger does not cause violence

Alcohol and drugs do not cause violence 

Stress does not cause violence (or he'd be abusing his boss, too)

Your actions, thoughts and words do not cause your abuser's violence

 These factors can be triggers to violent behavior, but are always the abuser's CHOICE.

 THE ABUSER WANTS YOU TO FEEL THERE IS NO CHOICE OR ALTERNATIVE 

1. Abusers depend on your fear controlling your behavior.
2. Abusers depend on your loyalty and that it will outweigh your desire to change the situation.
3. Abusers depend on your ignorance or fear of options.
4. Abusers depend on your optimism that they can change.
5. Abusers depend on your unconditional "love," while theirs is extremely conditional.
6. Abusers work at destroying your identity as anything separate from them to make controlling you easier.
   
   NEXT POST - HOW TO RECOVER YOUR "SELF" AFTER SURVIVING ABUSE.
   
   - Cinda
   

CREATING YOUR INTERNAL LOCUS OF CHOICE AND CONTROL

Dear Readers:

PAIN AVOIDANCE/PLEASURE SEEKING

In general, we seek to feel good and to avoid feeling bad. We make choices based on the probability we believe that they will either make us feel better, or avoid our feeling worse. The problem with the way we tend to do this, is that we primarily look outside ourselves and use our choices seeking to control our environment and others.

We think that if we control others, control the circumstances, we can avoid encountering undesirable stimuli and be provided desirable stimuli. We place the locus of control outside of ourselves. We wait to be presented with things to make us happy and try to set things up so we don’t encounter those things that make us feel bad. And in doing this, we position ourselves for repeated frustration, disappointment and suffering.

It can actually be very freeing to realize that the only thing we “control” is ourselves. As part of a large dynamic system of life, we influence and are a part of co-creating external reality; however, the only piece we alone are in charge of is ourselves. No matter how any situation or person has impacted us, we are still responsible for our choices. These choices may be made under duress, or unconsciously, but we alone make them. And, our choices are always made within a dynamic relationship with others whom they impact. Every action ripples into the world and influences things, sometimes subtly, sometimes obviously. Choice is intimately wrapped with uncertainty, unpredictability and change. You can always choose your own words and actions, but you never choose what others do in response.

With any choice,there is always the possibility of consequences that you cannot predict. Risk and uncertainy are the norm, and must be accepted, as well as expected.

Life is always happening and changing, independent of our likes and dislikes. The more time we spend trying to direct and control external circumstances and people to fit our ideas of how life “should” be, the more overwhelmed and inadequate we feel. Many times, when we realize that we don’t directly control circumstances outside ourselves we feel powerless and defeated. When we feel powerless, our belief in the importance and efficacy of our choices shrinks, and we become depressed.

When our efforts to find something “outside” of us that can make us feel more worthy, adequate and loved don’t work anymore, we become depressed. Depression is a sense of scarcity, in self or in the environment, that leads us to feel as if no matter what we do, there just isn’t enough of what is needed to fix the problems we encounter. There are two basic ways we experience depression, which are really two perspectives arising from the same source: 1) The lack is seen in one’s self. We are flawed, needing to be "fixed"; and 2) the lack is in others, or in the environment’s inability to fix the problem to accommodate our needs.

Whether the lack is seen in ourselves and our innate ability to feel fulfilled, or in the ability of the external environment to provide fulfillment, we say to ourselves “I’ll never be fulfilled. Either because I’m worthless, or nothing will ever fulfill me because it’s worthless."

With all this uncertainty, the consistency of food, its flavor and comfort it brings, are predictable, and we seek it like a lifeline. Food feels like something we have some control over, and the type of fulfillment it provides is satisfying and temporarily fills the physical aspect of our sense of emptiness.

If depression is about the feeling of scarcity, it makes sense that one of the most commonly chosen legal substances we use to treat our depression is food. Feeling full, sated and warm is equated with abundance and happiness.

***Here is a simple 5- minute energy boosting meditation exercise which you can use that helps you to create, from your internal resources, that wonderful warm, and abundant feeling that might have thought that only a good meal could bring.

• Get into a comfortable position (seated or lying down).

• Close your eyes if you are in a place where that is okay to do. Otherwise, pick a focus spot on the wall or horizon to place your gaze.

• Begin noticing your breath and how it moves in your body - do this for at least three breaths.

• Begin noticing your entire body head to toe - how you feel, and how the environment feels around you - any sounds, smells. Do this for at least three breaths.

• Once you can feel really "in" your body, you are ready to move on to the next step.

• Inhale, and imagine that you are bringing in sustenance. Give this sustanance a color that you associate with feeling happy and satisfied, or a word that makes you feel good, or a musical tone that makes you smile. Feel it come in and fill you with what you need.

• Exhale, and imagine you are releasing whatever you don't need, whatever doesn't sustain or help you in your life. Feel it leave you as a color, word or sound as well.

• At each subsequent inhalation of breath, let what you are bringing in fill the empty spaces left by what you release on each exhalation.

• Imagine your body becoming filled with what helps you and emptied of what doesn't.

You can do this before you eat to help you to eat less, but with more true pleasure, or after a difficult emotional or physical encounter in order to regain your equilibrium.

Let me know how this works for you. Happy New Year.

--Cinda

This article was edited by Douglas Castle.

Pattern Disruption – Harnessing the Power of Pausing and Choosing

Dear Readers:

In the last post, we discussed pattern development. Now we are going to explore pattern disruption. The choice to follow the pattern you know, or to break it resides in the pause between the stimulus that triggers the desire to overeat, and your response.

It feels compulsive, so how can unhealthy eating ever be a choice?

Let’s use the example of touching a hot object on the stove.

In some circumstances, where we can see that removing our hand would cause a worse consequence (such as spilling boiling water all over ourselves), we can override our instinctive reaction to remove our hand. We can break the pattern because we are able to make a conscious choice.

In other situations, the heat stimulus feels so great and startling that we simply remove ourselves from the source as quickly as possible, not even considering other possibilities. We react automatically. We go with our conditioning, and sometimes this works out, and sometimes doesn't. If we are conditioned to go on a brisk walk when we are upset, it can often help, but if our conditioning says to eat a gallon of ice cream...well that gets rid of the immediate feeling but has some unpleasant long-term consequences!

Occasionally, the heat stimulus could come as a surprise. When we are very shocked, we can become immobile for a moment. Then, once we regroup from our confusion, we burst into action, usually the conditioned response. An everyday example of this temporary paralysis is to overeat after we have experienced feeling indecisive and uncertain in a new situation.

What state of mind makes the difference in which response is picked? What makes us able to override our instinctual response versus fleeing thoughtlessly from the stimulus, or becoming frozen in shock? What makes us choose consciously?

Belief does. Belief in the possibility of choice. Our belief in options leads us to making a conscious choice. Our belief we have no viable options leads us to feeling trapped in the experience, helpless to change it. When we operate on the belief there is only one option, no options, or no viable options, then whatever our default mode is becomes our reaction. Awareness of options opens us up to new actions.

Belief in some level, however small, of choice or option, no matter what the circumstances are, creates a feeling of internal power that calms the initial panic/auto pilot reaction to undesirable stimuli. Disbelief in choice creates a feeling of either denial (i.e. this can’t be happening because I don’t want it to) or powerlessness and resignation to the undesirable stimuli.

Here is the mindset, which you can train yourself to use, that will allow you to exercise your choice, rather than following your compulsion: **

You must believe that in every situation, no matter how dire, there is some level of choice. Even when you feel there are no choices you like or want to choose, you still can choose your attitude about being in a situation that is not in your control.

EXERCISE YOUR POWER TO CHALLENGE YOUR CONDITIONING.

Exercising choice of attitude challenges our conditioning. Try having awareness of choice in attitude when you are experiencing an everyday frustration where you feel trapped, for example a traffic jam. There is so much you can't do to change it...but what can you do to change you?

There is one rule here: don’t try to control how you feel. Feelings are natural - they ebb, flow and change. The only thing you need to do in these exercises is acknowledge your feelings. These exercises are focused on learning to take charge of your choices, not judging yourself for having feelings.

EXERCISE YOUR POWER TO PAUSE.

When you become triggered into overeating, extend the pause before you respond. Take at least a minute, attention turned inward, and observe what the impulse is about without judgment. Looked at compassionately, you will watch it change. Just acknowledge what's happening. No denial, no indulgence. You don’t have to feed it. You don’t have to starve it. Pause and reflect. It may feel urgent, but given some time, the urgency will diminish. It may be a comforting habit, but given some time, the need for a particular eating routine will lessen.

EXERCISE YOUR POWER TO CHOOSE.

Search outside your comfort zone for choices that will help you, even if you don’t “feel” like doing them. New habits take repetition to instill, so be patient as you unlearn and relearn new, healthier response patterns. Make a list of choices ahead of time, when you aren’t feeling so overwhelmed. Carry the list around, review it, add to it, refine it. Carry the list around, add to it, and review it. Practice choosing something different than what you always do when you feel bad. Because it is not yet a habit, it may initially cause restlessness, agitation, or discomfort. If so, again practice the pause to help you stay longer each successive time in the new activity. Practice choosing something different.

If you have trouble seeing your choices, I suggest you read Victor Frankl’s classic book, “Man’s Search for Meaning.” It is an inspiring story of how someone in a concentration camp faced with horrific imprisonment found small ways every day to choose how to live in a situation of apparent powerlessness and despair.

Notice your pattern, acknowledge your triggers, create a pause before doing, and exercise your power of choice.

You have far more power to live a fulfilling life than you realize or have ever used. It does, however, take practice!

These three simple exercises are amazingly powerful if practiced regularly. Let me know what you think and how it works for you. Post here or to my email: cindahocking@yahoo.com.

--Cinda

Next Post: Choice and Consequences - Creating Your Internal Locus of Control

**Depression ranges on a spectrum from simple to complex, from mild to severe. These exercises are most effective when you are feeling mild to moderate, more simple depressive situations, but they are also good tools that can be integrated with other treatments.